Arabic bloopers

In a spirit of laughing at myself (and laughing in general), I thought I would list some memorable Arabic bloopers and cultural observations from the past few months. (You may have already read some of these on Facebook.) Most of these anecdotes involve my co-workers, who make me laugh every day, al-hamdulilah.
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Arabic version of "Office Space" 

(Phone rings)

Emily: Hello?

Guy on the other line: Hello...(Emily doesn't 

understand)...can I speak with Kholod?

Emily: This is Emily. Who am I speaking with?


Guy on the other line: (Emily doesn't 

understand)...Baba Rita. (Rita's father)

(Emily goes to Rita)


Emily: Rita, your father is on the phone.

(Kholod goes to the phone, talks with the guy)


Kholod: Emily, that was Baba Pizza, not Baba 

Rita!

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The equivalent of office water-cooler

conversations in the Middle East:

Kholod: Emily, do you want us to 

forgive you for occupying Palestine?

Emily: But you can only forgive me 50%, 

because I'm only half Jewish.

Kholod: Okay, so we forgive you 50%. Now go 

make us Arabic coffee.

Rana: Yes, remember the way I taught 

you? Now you won't mess it up.

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An example of cultural diffusion: it's 

lunchtime. I'm eating za'atar bread and dates; 

my Arab co-workers are eating McDonald's. Oh 

modern colonialism (aka capitalism; shakes 

head in disappointment).

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Translation of Sheepish into Arabic, Hebrew, 

and English:

Arabic: Maaaa!

English: Baaaa!

Hebrew: Maaaa!

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(Emily finishes eating, gets up from her seat)

Rana: Emily, where are you going?


Emily: Well, in America, usually when I finish 

eating I go back to work.

Kholod: America is primitive. Third world 

country!

Rana: Stay with us and chat a bit. Here in the 

Middle East we eat, then smoke, then drink 

coffee, then sleep...then go back to work.

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My co-worker (who shall not be named): "Always 

have 3 men: one for money, one for sex, and 

one for thinking."

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Translation of a funny conversation (my 

friend posted it in Arabic in her status):

Anas: Come sit with us in a cafe and drink something 

before you go.

Emily: Is this allowed because we're women? (meaning 

Samah and myself)

(Everyone laughs.)

(referring to me) Said by the American female co-

worker who applied what she learned at home to the 

Arab society.

Who wants to answer the question?

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At Longa Cafe: it's the birthday of a friend 

of Jeryes and Athar, who tell Emily.

Emily to the friend: Kul al-iHtiraam! (With 

all respect!)

Athar shakes her head. ("Kul al-iHtiraam" is 

something you say when someone does a good job 

on something, or graduates from a program, 

etc.)

Emily tries again: Eid milaad sa'eed! (Merry 

Christmas!)

Laughter...Emily turns red.

Emily tries a third time: Eid...milaadak 

sa'eed! (Happy Birthday!)